Myself

I come to this space when I have no one to talk to. Or no one to understand what I'm trying to say. Or when I just don't want to try and exert an effort in trying to make another person understand me.

I find myself talking to Myself. Myself understands me better than any other soul in this world. Myself knows my worries and my problems. Myself listens to me when I need to talk. Myself is always there for me. Myself is never too busy to answer my calls, or too tired to talk. Myself tells me what I need to hear. With Myself, I don't even have to speak the words for it to understand. I find myself doing a lot of things with Myself. We have tea together on the balcony, or play an online game. We have a lot in common. We like to read the same books. Watch the same movies. Wear the same clothes. The same jokes make us both laugh. The same situations also makes us both cry. We both like to dance.

So... the problem?

It gets boring after a while.

When I want to blog, I can't

The past couple weeks have been hectic. And I got a gazillion ideas for new posts during that time. I never was able to blog about what I wanted to blog about. Instead, I'm blogging about this:

The fact that when my life starts getting interesting, I don't have time to blog about it. When my life was boring, I had all the time in the world to blog, but I didn't know what to blog about. I don't even know why people blog, or why I started blogging in the first place.

Right now I want to blog but I'm just to tired to arrange my thoughts in meaningful sentences. I'm just going to type randomly. Unorganized and messy.

I like my new friends at work. They make me laugh. I am not on good terms with my mother and that is making me sad. I am going on a very interesting trip. The trip is about self discovery. I didn't come back yet but I'm enjoying every minute. I am listening to the song "You fill up my senses" as I type this. A fly flew into my shay belaban cup and died in there just now and I'm so glad it died because it was buzzing around me for the past half our. Flies make me angry. I am proud of myself because I had a problem and I was freaking out about it, but then I got my act together and actually got it solved (for the time being). I've been neglecting a few of my friends and I need to make it up for them. My best friend is seeing a guy that she calls "el taweel" because he's very tall... obviously...I think that's funny. I love my new crazy busy life but I'm missing myself when I had time to chill. I have a bunch of books that I wanna read and a bunch of movies that I wanna watch and a bunch of things that I wanna buy.

I actually took the car out alone a couple days ago.

I had to write that in a sentence on it's own because I'm so proud of me doing that. You know what, that fly that just died in my cup just got up again and started buzzing. Man, I hate flies. I'm very scared of failing. I'm also very scared of losing it. But I have an amazing person to back me up and I love what's going on with my life just now. I'm loving the roller coasters and the fatigue and the laughter and the tears and the entertainment and the midnight snacks. I think I'm sixteen again. The year 2009 was different. The year 2008 was sad. The year 2007 was lonely. The year 2006 was not me. They year 2005 was all about fear. The year 2004 was when I graduated, and the year 1982 was when I was born. The year 2010 is coming soon and I'm not going to worry about it. Because all the previous years happened and I'm still here. I'm still alive and I still know that I'm going to be okay.

Don't ask for explanations because I won't be providing them. Just read this and feel what your heart wants you to feel.

The Sun Has Come Out.

Thank God I have gotten out of my dark gloomy state. I wish I knew what causes it. Must be a bunch of little things all bundled up together. Add hormones. There, you've got it.

When I'm in one of those depressed states it feels like the end of the world for me, but then one morning I wake up and I don't feel so bad anymore. I look at the sun and it still shines. Imagine waking up one day to a morning with no sun.

So yes, I am addicted to sunshine. It does affect my mood greatly. I've read somewhere about endorphins being released with sun exposure. I think that's kinda true. I love most when I shower and instead of towel drying my hair, I go out in the balcony and let the sun do it for me. Takes some of the pressure off.

Work starts next sunday, I wish I'd done more on my staycation.

More mistakes?

So now that a lot of people know about my blog I'm beginning to regret telling people about it. The thing is I cannot get too personal even if I wanted to. I have often had thoughts and events that I wanted to blog about but couldn't because I was just too worried a specific person would read and then they'd know something that I didn't want them to know. Now its gotten pretty annoying because sometimes I just want to bitch about someone or something or I want to be angry or happy or maybe I just want to talk about something that would be considered a taboo. Or maybe I should just go back to writing in my journal. But even that is risky because its very possible that I might die someday before I have the chance to burn it and then someone would snatch it and read and read and read about all my deep dark secrets. I'm not feeling very functional today. My brain is whizzed and I think I should get to bed. Whizzed? Why the hell have I even using this word???

Maybe I'll start a new anonymous blog that I won't tell anyone about. Then I can seriously write whatever I want to talk about and no one will know its me. Being anonymous does indeed piss a lot of people off. We always want to find out about things we cannot find out about.

I've been feeling Satan buzzing around me for the past week urging me sin. I'm sure he wants to get me to pile up on the sins before he gets chained up during Ramadan, then he can pick where he left off when he's free again. I hate you ..my Satan...wherever you are........... YOU SUCK!! My Satan did indeed succeed in making me sin several times and I hate him for that and I hate myself for letting him get to me.

I'm so happy Ramadan is happening tomorrow. Life is good when you have a chance to wash away some of the darkness that has been obscuring the heart.

I really want to be a good Muslim.

You Know You Haven't Gone Out in a Long Time When..

- The last movie you saw at the cinema plays on MBC 2.
- The shisha menu shows new flavors such as Cola and Bubble Gum. When you comment everyone at the table looks at you and says, "They've been there for a while!"
-You actually look forward to a trip to the supermarket.
-You have lots of clothes that you love but never really get to wear.
-Your shoes are always spotless.
-You find yourself wanting to dress up when your friends tell you to meet for coffee. Stilettos and a sparkle top.
-You start being the cat's favorite person in the house.
-Your salary hangs around for a very long time.

I Dream...

Of waking up one day to the sound of someone bringing in shay bi laban for me.

Of owning my own apartment, furnished with things I brought from all over the world.

Of painting again.

Of building a giant sand castle, decorated with sea shells, not alone, but with a lot of friends.

Of helping all the homeless children who roam the Egyptian streets.

Of having a little girl to finger paint with.

Of going on a road trip.

Of making my own clothes.

Of writing and illustrating a children's book, and getting it published.

Of inspiring someone to become a better person.

Of learning how to fight back.

Of having an English Tea Party in my back garden.

Of Belly dancing like a pro.

A Woman's World

Walking with my sister a few days ago. We were having this conversation:

Me: If there were no men in this world, we wouldn't have to wear hijab.

Her: I agree.

(Pause)

Her: How are we going to reproduce?

Me: Asexually.....like amoeba.

Her: Hahahahaha... you mean like you would suddenly start dividing into two while I'm sitting here talking to you?

Me: Yes, and I would say, excuse me... its my reproduction season.


It happened that on the same day we went to a women's only beach. A very popular one at that. The beach had girl stuff all over. Healthy, diet food options. A henna tattoo booth. A hair dresser. A cafe. And lots and lots of pink. It was a women's world.

We were one of the first to arrive. We enjoyed watching the men being shooed out of the water and out the gate. We enjoyed the girly tunes that were playing. We enjoyed the comfort of not being watched by the prying eyes of men.

Little by little, the beach began to crowd. More women and girls were arriving. All ages. All sizes. All ethnicities. All colors. All styles. There were women everywhere. Girls everywhere. Naturally when you find women, you find kids. Children were playing around us. Their laughter muddled by the sound of the waves. There were no arguments or quarrels. Everyone was comfortable with their own skin. No one was worried about men judging them or checking them out. The hijabis were able to freely wear whatever they felt like wearing. The non hijabis were comfortable feeling that there were no men around to cat call or molest them. Younger women lay around the beach tanning. Teenagers were hanging out in groups all over the place. Pregnant women looked fabulous in bikinis. The mothers had the freedom to nurse whenever their babies were hungry.

I was thinking. Life can't get any better than that. Who needs men?

Soon enough. Female conversations started reaching my ears. Talk about diet, cooking, working out, style, cosmetics, fashion, men, pregnancy and marriage was everywhere. Women loved chatting. The beach got noisier by the second.

Then there was the belly dancing competition. Every female who wanted to compete competed. Females watched. Gossiped. Laughed. Cheered. Grooved. Even made fun of men. Or pretended to be men. I was beginning to feel uneasy.

There was too much estrogen around.

Then when we had to leave, carry our heavy bags and umbrellas, I wished for some men to be around.

Lucid Dreams

I never took it seriously until I accidentally came across a book called "The World of Lucid Dreaming." I was looking for some ebooks to download and this was one of them. The title caught my eye. I don't know where I learnt that a lucid dream is a dream where you realize that you're dreaming. I didn't know that lucid dreams were taken seriously. I didn't know that there was a book that discussed them. I downloaded it and started reading it. Was a fascinating book. I learned that there are certain things you can do to make lucid dreams happen.

Fortunately for me, I already had experience with such dreams. I have always been in touch with my creative side. The result was that I often had pretty creative dreams. Some where just so unusual they surprised me. After reading most of the book, I began to understand that a lot of things can be accomplished inside a dream.

You can meet people you always wanted to meet in your dream, celebrities, political figures, dead people.. you name it. After a lot of practice, I decided that I would use the next lucid dream as a chance to try and meet prophet Muhammed (pbuh). The result was that in the dream, he was supposedly behind a door. When I opened a door I found a man telling me "It doesn't work that way." I woke up feeling very surprised. How did the man in the dream know what I was trying to do?

Lucid dreams also work really well when you're having a nightmare. You can turn the nightmare into a dream. A few days ago I was dreaming that a bunch of monsters were running after me. No matter how much time I spent running from them they were always on my trail. I suddenly decided to check if I was dreaming. That I personally do by initiating flight. If I start flying, then I know I'm dreaming. So I did start flying and flew away from the nightmare into a more appealing place.

Choosing what you want to do with your dream is always the tricky part. I often decide to become some heroic character, or heart throb, or get romantic with any unidentified dream guy that I could come across in the "dream set." I often find myself heading to the beach in a lime green two piece, swimming, tanning and having the time of my life.

The downside however, is that I did get somewhat addicted to them for a while. Being able to live a part of life that you cannot live in reality, and being able to accomplish that so easily, always left me in a state of euphoria when I got up. I always get up feeling. "Wow, that was fun."

I'm not addicted anymore. I don't focus on having lucid dreams anymore. I do however enjoy them to the fullest when I do start having one.

They make my day.

My Satan

My Satan knows me better than I know myself. Knows which buttons to push to get me doing what he wants me to do. What would seem like a perfectly innocent thing my Satan would know how to turn into a good sinful act. If my Satan decides that I'm not going to do what he's asking me to do, he would just pretend to stop waswasa when in fact he is making waswasa someplace else.

My Satan doesn't like it when I make a commitment to Allah. He insists on making me skip my Quran readings, not by telling me directly.. no. That would be too obvious. He would tell me to sit and watch some good religious program on TV, then urge me to flip during the commercials to find a movie that I like. Absentmindedly, I just sit and watch. I don't have to read Quran today. Maybe tomorrow. After all, I DID watch that religious program a few hours ago.

My Satan insists that I stay angry all the time. Insists that I haunt down every tiny unsatisfactory detail in my life and dwell upon it. My Satan likes me to stay sorry for myself. My Satan likes me to be depressed and weak.

My Satan knows my biggest fetna of all time and insists on bringing temptations my way. Fully paid vacations to exotic places that other Satans would be partying at. Not just one offer. Many offers. I am turning down yet another offer. Tomorrow I was supposed to be out with friends doing something that Satan would approve of. I turned it down. Now Satan is telling me that I have no friends and that I have to go tomorrow if I want to stay socially and emotionally healthy. Should I listen to him?

My Satan loves it when I argue with my mom. Hates it when I make her breakfast or rub her foot. He loves it when I waste my time watching endless soaps. Hates it when I listen to Quran while jogging. Once he made my mp3 player run out on battery life.

What does your Satan do?

The Egyptian Perception of Open-mindedness

I have been wanting to blog about this for so long but I never managed to organize my thoughts in my head in a way that would be bloggable. But since not too many people read my blog anyway and I'm more blogging for my self than for the entertainment of others. I have decided that I would just go ahead and blog about this thing that has been urging me to blog it for a very long time.

I have recently decided not to judge a book by its cover, or a girl by the length of her skirt, or a man by the car that he drives, or a beggar by the state his shoes are in, or an angry person's outburst in the middle of the infamous Egyptian balady bread queue. I have trained myself to find excuses for all these people. Somewhat it has left me feeling at peace and happy. Forgiveness is indeed a beautiful thing.

Why is there a relation between open-mindedness and forgiveness? Maybe its because when you openly discuss something with someone. You are actually forgiving the other person for having a different opinion.

Okay I still don't know what I'm trying to blog about but I'm just trying here, so give me a break.

I have encountered several Egyptians in my life who claim open-mindedness. They call themselves "Oben" or "Feree." Yet when you try to have a nice conversation with any of them you are bombarded with uptightness. You are not allowed to express your opinion without being accused of something that offends you. I am not talking about topics that generally arouse heated discussions. Although in those topics open mindedness will allow you to better understand the other person's opinion and therefore your own opinion will reach them better.

Egyptians who claim being "oben" will dress openly, act openly and talk openly. But they will never accept what you have to say openly. This saddens me. Because being open minded doesn't just mean accepting another person's opinion. It means accepting different cultures. Accepting different colors of skin. Accepting people with handicaps. Accepting knowledge. Accepting that no one is perfect. Accepting that imperfection is beautiful. Accepting that everyone is different and that this is why the world is such a beautiful place.

I sometimes feel like I want to open my chest wide and let the whole world flood inside me. I want to be able to touch, feel, see, hear, smell everything and anything. Forgiveness is such a beautiful thing.

A very good friend of mine told me about a documentary called "Baraka". I have posted the link for the first part of the documentary. I strongly urge you to take your time to watch all of the parts. The experience is very rewarding for the soul.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dtiqrzmuWbw

Big sis is off

Finally got married to the man of her dreams. After a long story of heartbreak and pain. Ten years of fighting to be together and finally they are. May Allah grant them a happy peaceful home. In the end, love does conquer all (One way or another).

This morning I woke up to find my sister wasn't in her room. She wasn't in the living room either. She wasn't arguing in the kitchen about who left the milk carton out. She wasn't talking to one of her friends loudly in the corridor. She was gone. With her clothes, bags, shoes, books, cosmetics, and little things that she always left lying around. All that's left of her is a big empty bed with nothing on it but the wedding dress she wore yesterday. Crumpled up and unnoticed, after being so carefully handled the past few weeks, after being the center of attention for so long. It's purpose was fulfilled. Has no use now.

My mother is in denial. I don't know what to feel. My younger sisters had trouble falling asleep yesterday.

The wedding. Something that she spent months planning was over in just a few hours. Is now a blur. What's left is a bunch of pictures of lots of happy people, and one beautiful very happy bride.

Yes, my sister is off.