It's the Last Week, and I'm Going to Miss You.

Yes, fasting is tiring. Yes, my mornings and nights are all messed up. Yes, I don't get enough sleep. Yes, I'm tired of cooking and the fact that my life revolves around the moment of iftar. I'm tired of the Egyptian soaps and sitcoms (although thank Allah I managed to avoid them, but they still manage to find me when I'm flipping through Jezira Documentary and Space Toon). I'm tired of my stomach growling before iftar, and being severely bloated after iftar (Even if I eat little, I still feel bloated). I miss my morning caffeine dose that I can't have at night, unless I'm asking for a bed bug battle. I'm tired of the crazy sugar cravings I get after iftar. I'm tired of stuffing my face during the night because I know that during the day I'm not gonna have any. I'm tired of feeling super dehydrated and thirsty when it's only 12 o'clock.

But I'm not tired of Ramadan. I love the fact that my Satan is all chained up while I enjoy my life with him not being in it. That, is worth everything. I love the peace and serenity that surround people. The fact that Subhan Allah, the moon phases are so vivid, like a counter, telling us that Ramadan is going to be over very soon. I love the warmth of family. I love the union, of so many people fasting, and so many people breaking their fast at the same second. I love the joy I feel when I put the first morsel of food in my mouth, and the do'aa I murmur doing so that I know for sure will be granted. I love that my Satan doesn't come to me when I pray. He doesn't whisper anything in my ear that pisses me off or gets me to do something I don't wanna do. I love the fact that our house is always full of zikr and Quran recitations. I love the fact that poor people enjoy generous helpings of food during this month, and so when I eat, I don't worry about others not having this blessing.

In a few days, it will all be over, and I will have to wait for a whole year for it to happen again. Satan will be back, with his pride, hate, envy and every other wretched quality that horrible creature has. I'm going to fight him at first, but as usual, he is more patient, and will eventually get the best of me.

Then Ramadan will come back, and I'll be okay again.

More mistakes?

So now that a lot of people know about my blog I'm beginning to regret telling people about it. The thing is I cannot get too personal even if I wanted to. I have often had thoughts and events that I wanted to blog about but couldn't because I was just too worried a specific person would read and then they'd know something that I didn't want them to know. Now its gotten pretty annoying because sometimes I just want to bitch about someone or something or I want to be angry or happy or maybe I just want to talk about something that would be considered a taboo. Or maybe I should just go back to writing in my journal. But even that is risky because its very possible that I might die someday before I have the chance to burn it and then someone would snatch it and read and read and read about all my deep dark secrets. I'm not feeling very functional today. My brain is whizzed and I think I should get to bed. Whizzed? Why the hell have I even using this word???

Maybe I'll start a new anonymous blog that I won't tell anyone about. Then I can seriously write whatever I want to talk about and no one will know its me. Being anonymous does indeed piss a lot of people off. We always want to find out about things we cannot find out about.

I've been feeling Satan buzzing around me for the past week urging me sin. I'm sure he wants to get me to pile up on the sins before he gets chained up during Ramadan, then he can pick where he left off when he's free again. I hate you ..my Satan...wherever you are........... YOU SUCK!! My Satan did indeed succeed in making me sin several times and I hate him for that and I hate myself for letting him get to me.

I'm so happy Ramadan is happening tomorrow. Life is good when you have a chance to wash away some of the darkness that has been obscuring the heart.

I really want to be a good Muslim.