I haven't held a brush in five years. I forgot what turpentine smelt like. I forgot how we arranged colors on an artist's palette. However, I was still rather considered a "practicing" artist because my work is still somehow related to my education. I still draw occasionally and do the occasional design. I still read up on art and check out tutorials often. If I'm not painting now, that shouldn't mean that I should stop educating myself about it.
So there lies my mistake. Ever since I graduated I've been giving myself that excuse of I don't really have to paint to work on my skills, I can always just read up on art instead. Deep down I knew that something was wrong.
I'm not going to talk about what suddenly went wrong with my life, or how I suddenly realized I forgot how to paint. The longer I kept away from my canvas, the more difficult it was to get back to it. Like when you haven't talked to a friend in a very long time, when you call them up, you just don't know what to say, and it gets awkward.
I started buying fresh supplies often. I'd arrange them in a box and put them next to my canvas to give it company. Just to make up for the time I spent away.
Last time I looked, my colors had all dried up, and my canvas was still empty. That made my canvas sad, and made me sadder. I decided to just put everything out of sight so I won't have to deal with the guilt of my sad canvas's face looking up at me.
When people think of me as an artist I feel like a hypocrite, because artists paint, and I had abandoned that a long time ago. The only evidence of my past painting experiences were a few paintings hung up against the walls in our flat. That I wasn't even proud of.
So when one of my good friends took a drawing course, came over one day, and insisted that I show her how to oil paint, she really needed me to help her out and was really excited about it, I couldn't turn her down. Out came my dried up supplies, never used palette and brushes, and the white sad face of my canvas. I arranged everything for my friend and laid out some still life for her.
"yalla, paint."
"Show me how"
"At college they didn't show us how, they just told us to paint"
"I don't know how to paint, you have to show me"
At this point I felt bad for her. Her optimism and enthusiasm was too great, If I couldn't help myself with this, I should at least help her. So I grabbed a medium sized brush, dipped it in turpentine and started painting. We took turns painting. Neither of us had fun really. She was too scared, and I was too sorry for myself. I forgot how it was done.
So the result of my sad oil painting experience was this painting that you see. Ugly colors and incomplete objects. But at least my canvas isn't sad anymore.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Saturday, September 26, 2009
My Sister Went to Dubai Carrying Six Kilos of Kahk..
....and came back carrying six boxes of Krispy Kremes.
She was gone to visit my newly married sister. We couldn't let her spent Eid all by herself in a different country... So off my younger sister went.
The Krispy Kremes where great. I wolfed down three pieces in less than fifteen minutes. Now I feel icky and bloated. In my defense, I really wanted to try them all and decide on a favorite. My mom just gave me a look and shook her head when I told her what I wanted to do. She took the boxes away and hid them.
So, because Dubai is the city of shopping, my sis came back with a bunch of really good things to wear. Out of all the things she got me, my favorite was a long flowy top that has mushroom houses, leprechauns and other creatures printed all over. I'm going to be wearing it tomorrow on my first day at work (After Eid vacation).
I've been reciting too many nursery rhymes in my head, I don't know if its because of the mushroom top. This I am thinking of now:
To bed, to bed
Says Sleepy Head
Lets stay a while, says Slow
Put on the pan, Says Greedy Nan,
Let's sup before we go.
She was gone to visit my newly married sister. We couldn't let her spent Eid all by herself in a different country... So off my younger sister went.
The Krispy Kremes where great. I wolfed down three pieces in less than fifteen minutes. Now I feel icky and bloated. In my defense, I really wanted to try them all and decide on a favorite. My mom just gave me a look and shook her head when I told her what I wanted to do. She took the boxes away and hid them.
So, because Dubai is the city of shopping, my sis came back with a bunch of really good things to wear. Out of all the things she got me, my favorite was a long flowy top that has mushroom houses, leprechauns and other creatures printed all over. I'm going to be wearing it tomorrow on my first day at work (After Eid vacation).
I've been reciting too many nursery rhymes in my head, I don't know if its because of the mushroom top. This I am thinking of now:
To bed, to bed
Says Sleepy Head
Lets stay a while, says Slow
Put on the pan, Says Greedy Nan,
Let's sup before we go.
Friday, September 25, 2009
The Sun Has Come Out.
Thank God I have gotten out of my dark gloomy state. I wish I knew what causes it. Must be a bunch of little things all bundled up together. Add hormones. There, you've got it.
When I'm in one of those depressed states it feels like the end of the world for me, but then one morning I wake up and I don't feel so bad anymore. I look at the sun and it still shines. Imagine waking up one day to a morning with no sun.
So yes, I am addicted to sunshine. It does affect my mood greatly. I've read somewhere about endorphins being released with sun exposure. I think that's kinda true. I love most when I shower and instead of towel drying my hair, I go out in the balcony and let the sun do it for me. Takes some of the pressure off.
Work starts next sunday, I wish I'd done more on my staycation.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Watch out! Mood Swing!
If I had a special power I would want to be invisible. Then see what people would do when they realize I no longer exist.
I wish my mood swings could be treated.
I wish my mood swings could be treated.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
I took a personality quiz that was so accurate I freaked..
...below are my results:
Assertiveness (Low)
As someone low in assertiveness, you feel uncomfortable speaking out in front of others and taking charge. You tend not to talk much and let others control the activities of groups. You are also very friendly, considerate, generous and willing to compromise. For these reasons, you probably would not feel very comfortable in a leadership position. Compared to most people, you are reluctant to disagree with others. Indeed, you tend to find difficulty in disagreeing with others and are therefore inclined to deny your needs in order to get along with others.
You avoid disagreements and conflicts, in part, because you are trusting and considerate of other people's feelings. Although you want to succeed, being "the best" is not something that is supremely important to you. Thus, you feel comfortable cooperating with others even if it means not being recognized for your true abilities.
Being low in assertiveness has advantages and disadvantages. On one hand, assertiveness is very useful in situations that require tough decisions and where disagreement exists. Thus, in conflict situations you may find that others take advantage of you because you don't stand-up for yourself. On the other hand, being assertive all of the time can lead one to be perceived as aggressive. In contrast, people low in assertiveness are generally perceived as friendly and likable.
How does your level of Assertiveness pertain to your relationships?
Given your level of assertiveness, you probably find it easy to get along with most people. You tend to be agreeably considerate of others, and others like you because of it. In the short run, this may be fine in your relationships because you will likely be able to adjust your wants and needs readily. However, should you find yourself in a relationship with someone much more assertive that yourself, you may feel as though your partner does not take your concerns into consideration often enough. Therefore, you may be most comfortable in a long-term relationship with a person who is also low in assertiveness.
Self-Discipline (High)
The self-discipline personality dimension captures the way in which a person regulates and directs his or her thoughts and behaviors. As someone who is high in self-discipline, you are able to persist at difficult or unpleasant tasks until they are completed. Indeed, you are able to overcome most obstacles that may stand in the way of you completing tasks and you're able to remain focused as you follow through with your plans.
Being high in self-discipline can be both good and bad. Occasionally people may be compelled to follow their intuitions and give in to their temptations, and your degree of self-discipline makes this unlikely to happen. This can be especially good in circumstances where focus and control are very important. However, on certain occasions being able to let loose and give in to one's temptations can be fun and even healthy (as long as it's in moderation).
As someone who exerts a fair amount of control over your actions, you have the potential to stress yourself out too often. For example, you may be inclined to take more responsibility on projects, which isn't always necessary. This may be because you have a tendency to take control of situations, and this can create unwanted additional stress. Nevertheless, it's likely that your high degree of self-discipline will enable you to go very far in your career.
How does your level of Self-Discipline pertain to your relationships?
Given your level of self-discipline, you may find it difficult to get along well with everybody. Although you may very well like most people, you may perceive people who don't share your work ethic as lazy and unmotivated. For this reason, you would probably be most satisfied in a romantic relationship with a person who is also very self-disciplined. Being in a relationship with someone who isn't may be fun at first, but it's likely that you both will become somewhat irritated with each other over time. Indeed, it may turn out that your tendency to work long hours will create some stress in the relationship. Thus, it might be easiest and most satisfying for you to develop a long-lasting relationship with a person who is similar to you in this respect.
Sociability (High)
As someone who is sociable you enjoy the company of others, are friendly to most people, and feel comfortable meeting new people. Compared to other people, you would much rather spend time working and relaxing with others than alone. Indeed, you probably find your social relationships very stimulating and value them very much. This emphasis on relationships paired with your tendency to genuinely like other people allows you to express your feelings towards others quite easily.
Being high in sociability is generally associated with the tendency to experience a wide variety of positive emotions, including optimism, enthusiasm, and general happiness. This is not to say that you never have bad days, but that you probably experience more good days than bad ones.
You probably make friends easily, and spend a fair amount of time with them. Perhaps it's your enthusiasm and ability to express your feelings that makes others feel comfortable coming to you for advice.
How does your level of Sociability pertain to your relationships?
Given your degree of sociability, you probably get along well with most people you meet. Thus, you're probably very fun on dates because your social skills make your partner feel comfortable. Being in a relationship with a person who is as sociable as you are should be very pleasant because you'll both enjoy activities that involve others. However, should you find yourself in a relationship with a person who does not enjoy being with others as much as you do, then this may make it difficult for you both to agree on how to spend your time. Yet, with your ability to express yourself, you should be able to tell your partner how you feel so that you're able to comprise.
Self-Confidence (Low)
As someone with low self-confidence, you tend to question your abilities and competence, and to feel uncomfortable with yourself. Compared to others, you tend to take a less positive view of yourself, occasionally feel depressed, and find it difficult to make decisions. A tendency to question yourself and to regret things you've done or said can make it difficult for you to feel completely satisfied with yourself.
Feelings of self-confidence are linked to the ways in which people interpret the events that take place in their lives. Although you have several strengths, you have a tendency to focus on your weaknesses and to be overly critical of yourself. This style of thinking can make it difficult for you to overcome your perceived weaknesses. However, it's extremely likely that you possess more strengths than you give yourself credit for and that your "weaknesses" are not nearly as bad as you may be inclined to think. In many instances, reframing a situation can help you recognize that the things you regard as weaknesses are actually strengths.
How does your level of Self-Confidence pertain to your relationships?
Because you are inclined to question and doubt yourself, you may find it hard at times to connect with others, especially those that you're meeting for the first time. Indeed, it's self-confidence that allows people to feel comfortable interacting with others without feeling insecure and vulnerable. Thus, in your romantic life, you may occasionally find it difficult to trust others because it may be unclear whether your relationship partners always take your wants and needs into consideration. This may prove especially difficult early in a relationship until you have a firm idea about whether a romantic interest is trustworthy or not. It might therefore take longer for you to develop a good sense of whether a person you are attracted to is the right person for you. Perhaps the one thing you should be most cautious of is whether your romantic partners are not taking advantage of you.
Imagination (High)
As someone who is very imaginative, you have a strong appreciation for beauty, both in art and nature. Indeed, it's likely that you appreciate art, culture, science, and technology. One defining feature of the imagination dimension is the tendency to think about abstract concepts and ideas. This style of thinking may take the form of artistic and metaphorical use of language, and/or music composition or performance. Being high in imagination does not necessarily mean that you are or would like to be an artist or scientist. It just means that you derive a certain degree of intellectual satisfaction from abstract thinking. Thus, it's likely that, either in your work or spare time, you enjoy activities that involve creative thinking.
Your tendency to be open-minded can have advantages and disadvantages. For instance, when there are no clear rules about how to approach a particular problem, your level of imaginativeness may make it easier for you to identify new ways to solve problems that may not be very obvious to people that are not as creative as yourself. In contrast, you may be bored easily in situations that lack high amounts of intellectual stimulation. In such cases, you may have difficulty excelling on projects that do not provide much stimulation or require much creative thinking.
How does your level of Imagination pertain to your relationships?
Your high level of imaginativeness probably makes it easy for you to respect and appreciate people that are different from you. However, when it comes to romantic relationships, your openness may make it difficult for you to tolerate people that cannot appreciate diversity as much as you. Therefore, you may be happiest in serious relationships with people that are as imaginative as yourself.
Assertiveness (Low)
As someone low in assertiveness, you feel uncomfortable speaking out in front of others and taking charge. You tend not to talk much and let others control the activities of groups. You are also very friendly, considerate, generous and willing to compromise. For these reasons, you probably would not feel very comfortable in a leadership position. Compared to most people, you are reluctant to disagree with others. Indeed, you tend to find difficulty in disagreeing with others and are therefore inclined to deny your needs in order to get along with others.
You avoid disagreements and conflicts, in part, because you are trusting and considerate of other people's feelings. Although you want to succeed, being "the best" is not something that is supremely important to you. Thus, you feel comfortable cooperating with others even if it means not being recognized for your true abilities.
Being low in assertiveness has advantages and disadvantages. On one hand, assertiveness is very useful in situations that require tough decisions and where disagreement exists. Thus, in conflict situations you may find that others take advantage of you because you don't stand-up for yourself. On the other hand, being assertive all of the time can lead one to be perceived as aggressive. In contrast, people low in assertiveness are generally perceived as friendly and likable.
How does your level of Assertiveness pertain to your relationships?
Given your level of assertiveness, you probably find it easy to get along with most people. You tend to be agreeably considerate of others, and others like you because of it. In the short run, this may be fine in your relationships because you will likely be able to adjust your wants and needs readily. However, should you find yourself in a relationship with someone much more assertive that yourself, you may feel as though your partner does not take your concerns into consideration often enough. Therefore, you may be most comfortable in a long-term relationship with a person who is also low in assertiveness.
Self-Discipline (High)
The self-discipline personality dimension captures the way in which a person regulates and directs his or her thoughts and behaviors. As someone who is high in self-discipline, you are able to persist at difficult or unpleasant tasks until they are completed. Indeed, you are able to overcome most obstacles that may stand in the way of you completing tasks and you're able to remain focused as you follow through with your plans.
Being high in self-discipline can be both good and bad. Occasionally people may be compelled to follow their intuitions and give in to their temptations, and your degree of self-discipline makes this unlikely to happen. This can be especially good in circumstances where focus and control are very important. However, on certain occasions being able to let loose and give in to one's temptations can be fun and even healthy (as long as it's in moderation).
As someone who exerts a fair amount of control over your actions, you have the potential to stress yourself out too often. For example, you may be inclined to take more responsibility on projects, which isn't always necessary. This may be because you have a tendency to take control of situations, and this can create unwanted additional stress. Nevertheless, it's likely that your high degree of self-discipline will enable you to go very far in your career.
How does your level of Self-Discipline pertain to your relationships?
Given your level of self-discipline, you may find it difficult to get along well with everybody. Although you may very well like most people, you may perceive people who don't share your work ethic as lazy and unmotivated. For this reason, you would probably be most satisfied in a romantic relationship with a person who is also very self-disciplined. Being in a relationship with someone who isn't may be fun at first, but it's likely that you both will become somewhat irritated with each other over time. Indeed, it may turn out that your tendency to work long hours will create some stress in the relationship. Thus, it might be easiest and most satisfying for you to develop a long-lasting relationship with a person who is similar to you in this respect.
Sociability (High)
As someone who is sociable you enjoy the company of others, are friendly to most people, and feel comfortable meeting new people. Compared to other people, you would much rather spend time working and relaxing with others than alone. Indeed, you probably find your social relationships very stimulating and value them very much. This emphasis on relationships paired with your tendency to genuinely like other people allows you to express your feelings towards others quite easily.
Being high in sociability is generally associated with the tendency to experience a wide variety of positive emotions, including optimism, enthusiasm, and general happiness. This is not to say that you never have bad days, but that you probably experience more good days than bad ones.
You probably make friends easily, and spend a fair amount of time with them. Perhaps it's your enthusiasm and ability to express your feelings that makes others feel comfortable coming to you for advice.
How does your level of Sociability pertain to your relationships?
Given your degree of sociability, you probably get along well with most people you meet. Thus, you're probably very fun on dates because your social skills make your partner feel comfortable. Being in a relationship with a person who is as sociable as you are should be very pleasant because you'll both enjoy activities that involve others. However, should you find yourself in a relationship with a person who does not enjoy being with others as much as you do, then this may make it difficult for you both to agree on how to spend your time. Yet, with your ability to express yourself, you should be able to tell your partner how you feel so that you're able to comprise.
Self-Confidence (Low)
As someone with low self-confidence, you tend to question your abilities and competence, and to feel uncomfortable with yourself. Compared to others, you tend to take a less positive view of yourself, occasionally feel depressed, and find it difficult to make decisions. A tendency to question yourself and to regret things you've done or said can make it difficult for you to feel completely satisfied with yourself.
Feelings of self-confidence are linked to the ways in which people interpret the events that take place in their lives. Although you have several strengths, you have a tendency to focus on your weaknesses and to be overly critical of yourself. This style of thinking can make it difficult for you to overcome your perceived weaknesses. However, it's extremely likely that you possess more strengths than you give yourself credit for and that your "weaknesses" are not nearly as bad as you may be inclined to think. In many instances, reframing a situation can help you recognize that the things you regard as weaknesses are actually strengths.
How does your level of Self-Confidence pertain to your relationships?
Because you are inclined to question and doubt yourself, you may find it hard at times to connect with others, especially those that you're meeting for the first time. Indeed, it's self-confidence that allows people to feel comfortable interacting with others without feeling insecure and vulnerable. Thus, in your romantic life, you may occasionally find it difficult to trust others because it may be unclear whether your relationship partners always take your wants and needs into consideration. This may prove especially difficult early in a relationship until you have a firm idea about whether a romantic interest is trustworthy or not. It might therefore take longer for you to develop a good sense of whether a person you are attracted to is the right person for you. Perhaps the one thing you should be most cautious of is whether your romantic partners are not taking advantage of you.
Imagination (High)
As someone who is very imaginative, you have a strong appreciation for beauty, both in art and nature. Indeed, it's likely that you appreciate art, culture, science, and technology. One defining feature of the imagination dimension is the tendency to think about abstract concepts and ideas. This style of thinking may take the form of artistic and metaphorical use of language, and/or music composition or performance. Being high in imagination does not necessarily mean that you are or would like to be an artist or scientist. It just means that you derive a certain degree of intellectual satisfaction from abstract thinking. Thus, it's likely that, either in your work or spare time, you enjoy activities that involve creative thinking.
Your tendency to be open-minded can have advantages and disadvantages. For instance, when there are no clear rules about how to approach a particular problem, your level of imaginativeness may make it easier for you to identify new ways to solve problems that may not be very obvious to people that are not as creative as yourself. In contrast, you may be bored easily in situations that lack high amounts of intellectual stimulation. In such cases, you may have difficulty excelling on projects that do not provide much stimulation or require much creative thinking.
How does your level of Imagination pertain to your relationships?
Your high level of imaginativeness probably makes it easy for you to respect and appreciate people that are different from you. However, when it comes to romantic relationships, your openness may make it difficult for you to tolerate people that cannot appreciate diversity as much as you. Therefore, you may be happiest in serious relationships with people that are as imaginative as yourself.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
It's the Last Week, and I'm Going to Miss You.
Yes, fasting is tiring. Yes, my mornings and nights are all messed up. Yes, I don't get enough sleep. Yes, I'm tired of cooking and the fact that my life revolves around the moment of iftar. I'm tired of the Egyptian soaps and sitcoms (although thank Allah I managed to avoid them, but they still manage to find me when I'm flipping through Jezira Documentary and Space Toon). I'm tired of my stomach growling before iftar, and being severely bloated after iftar (Even if I eat little, I still feel bloated). I miss my morning caffeine dose that I can't have at night, unless I'm asking for a bed bug battle. I'm tired of the crazy sugar cravings I get after iftar. I'm tired of stuffing my face during the night because I know that during the day I'm not gonna have any. I'm tired of feeling super dehydrated and thirsty when it's only 12 o'clock.
But I'm not tired of Ramadan. I love the fact that my Satan is all chained up while I enjoy my life with him not being in it. That, is worth everything. I love the peace and serenity that surround people. The fact that Subhan Allah, the moon phases are so vivid, like a counter, telling us that Ramadan is going to be over very soon. I love the warmth of family. I love the union, of so many people fasting, and so many people breaking their fast at the same second. I love the joy I feel when I put the first morsel of food in my mouth, and the do'aa I murmur doing so that I know for sure will be granted. I love that my Satan doesn't come to me when I pray. He doesn't whisper anything in my ear that pisses me off or gets me to do something I don't wanna do. I love the fact that our house is always full of zikr and Quran recitations. I love the fact that poor people enjoy generous helpings of food during this month, and so when I eat, I don't worry about others not having this blessing.
In a few days, it will all be over, and I will have to wait for a whole year for it to happen again. Satan will be back, with his pride, hate, envy and every other wretched quality that horrible creature has. I'm going to fight him at first, but as usual, he is more patient, and will eventually get the best of me.
Then Ramadan will come back, and I'll be okay again.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
I love my Hijab.
I know it makes me feel very sweaty in the summer. I know I just sometimes wish I could just put on a tee and jeans and run out the door. I know that it makes me look unattractive. I know that I hated it before. I know it makes me look older than what I really am. I know that it stops me from playing sports in comfortable wear. I know it prevents me from taking dips in the pool. I know that a hijabi wardrobe costs more than a regular wardrobe. I know that I can never really be my real self with hijab on. I know that hijab makes me look fat. I know that I'll never feel the air blowing through my hair ever again. I know that I can never wear my dream wedding dress. I know that I know that I lost a lot of "friends" when I put it on. I know that people judge me because I wear hijab. I know that I always wanted to be a hot mommy with a funky hair cut one day.
I also know that a lot of girls envy me for wearing hijab.
After nine years of wearing it. Today I finally admit it. I love my hijab.
I also know that a lot of girls envy me for wearing hijab.
After nine years of wearing it. Today I finally admit it. I love my hijab.
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