I never was the girl who made friends easily. I was very shy when I was younger. My shyness caused me a lot of bullying back during school. For that reason I have somewhat become an introvert. I do not mingle easily. I do not expose my true feelings because I take it as a sign of weakness. Crying is weakness, sadness is weakness, anger is weakness, hunger is weakness, even being tired or sick is weakness. I always tried to be up for anything and everything because I was used to being rejected by a lot of people for being too shy and uninvolved.
You would completely disagree with me if you knew me in person. A lot of people thing that I have no problems socializing. They think I handle people well, handle social situations even better. They think I have a fun outgoing character. A lot of people think I am one of the funniest girls they know. I always have something to talk about. I know how to do very proper small talk. I know how to carry on a conversation without getting the other person yawning. I ask a lot of questions to appear interested in the person. Exactly... yep... that's my trick. I ask them a LOT of questions. To avoid being asked any in return. To avoid talking about myself. Because I don't feel comfortable talking about myself.
What does this have to do with friends? Simple. I do not find anyone that I can truly and utterly open up to. Someone who understands me without me having to explain. Someone who makes me feel okay to cry sometimes. I do not find someone I can trust. I cannot find someone I can depend on during emergencies. I cannot imagine anyone who would be there if I suddenly needed something. I have been brought up to depend on myself.
Problem is, I feel that I am lonely all the time. Even when I am surrounded by people I feel lonely. Even when they're all laughing and making me laugh. I don't laugh because I think the situation is funny. I laugh because I make myself laugh.
I decided that a life like this will become very difficult if I cannot try and blend in with society. But I do try, but I need guidance. I need someone telling me what should be done in certain situations because I am just clueless when it comes to those.
Sigh.
Today something good happened. I was chatting with a girl about hijab. She wants to take it off. I convinced her not to and she surely was convinced... she even came to me and said thanks.. you convinced me.
I think that I have a gift of listening. I can almost always relate to what a person is going through. I can easily put myself in their shoes. Hence I am able to tell them what they want to hear. I make them feel comfortable and happy.
I wish I could find someone who can make me feel comfortable and happy.
